My progesterone-in-oil shots (PIO) and all of the (HUGE) needles arrived in the mail, and a feeling of excitement and fear found its way into my brain. We have been making sure to do the “baby dance” on all the right days this cycle, even changing up plans in our schedule around it, and I am excited to see whether or not the progesterone supplementation will help me to achieve and (God-willing) sustain a pregnancy. On the other hand, the needles are huge. And they were expensive. Insurance didn’t cover any of it, and I am afraid that my (potential) endometriosis will turn out to be so severe that PIO injections alone won’t help. I can’t help but feel like it is a little naive of me – after all of the failures of this journey so far – to think that a few cycles of PIO injections will “do the trick,” and yet – that is exactly what I want to happen!
I also began my ultrasound series and will be doing my estradiol testing over the course of the next few days. I’m not going to lie. I don’t cry much, but I cried afterward. I accidentally glanced up at the monitor while the technician was doing my ultrasound, and I couldn’t help but think of all the times that I have seen pictures of friends’ pregnancy sonograms. And here was mine. With no baby. I didn’t expect it to be that hard, but it was. The sadness blind-sided me. On top of that, the exam was very uncomfortable. I’m going for another one in just two short hours. I am just ready to get through this cycle and through the rest of my PIO trial cycles, and find out whether or not I will be pregnant or need surgery.
As Lent progresses, I have been doing a decent job of keeping to my commitment to drink only water during the Lenten season. But it’s been rough. I have been craving juice like crazy! I thought I had a mild juice addiction before Lent, and now I know that my addiction to juice is probably more severe than I first believed! During those times when I crave the soothing rush of a cranberry-apple or the thick salve of a pomegranate-cherry, I think about those who are literally giving their heads for the cause of Christ in other parts of the world. I mentioned before that fasting has always been a difficult concept for me, but through the giving up of my favorite beverages I am starting to understand just how little we are asked to give for the sake of our Lord. I am such a wimp, to struggle with giving up juice, while others are giving much, much more.
Their sacrifices have put the idea of fasting into better perspective for me.
It’s actually perfect timing that this cycle of PIO injections, ultrasound series’, and estradiol testing falls during the Lenten season. I hope that I can keep it all together as I try to honor God through “juice-addiction” and infertility. It’s difficult to walk the path on which God has placed you. My commitment to fast for Lent is more than just drinking water for forty days. It is a promise from me to God that says I will be disciplined enough to follow Him, come what may. Come raging juice withdrawal. Come infertility. Come death.
Because my life is not about me.