Christianity, Infertility

Anxiety.

I am feeling so anxious today.

I went to the doctor last Monday and she laid out a pretty good plan for moving forward in our journey to become parents. As it turns out, in addition to the suspected endometriosis, I have incredibly low progesterone and abnormally high estrogen levels. The doctor said that technically, I could be conceiving each month and losing the child due to the fact that my low progesterone levels would make it nearly impossible for the baby embryo to implant into my uterus.

The first step of the plan she laid out for me is to have an ultrasound series from day 10 of my cycle until ovulation. The next part of the plan begins 3 days after ovulation, when I’ll start taking progesterone injections between 3 and 11 DPO. I’ll have a few more estrogen and progesterone tests this cycle, and if I’m not pregnant by May – I’ll have surgery to diagnose and remove any endometriosis.

I have scheduled the ultrasound series and am waiting for the pharmacy to call me and confirm the order for my progesterone shots. All of this waiting is so hard.

As an infertile, I feel like all I do is wait. I anxiously await the doctor appointments that I set, then I wait for the right time to carry out whatever instructions the doctors give me, I wait out the days between ovulation and my next period, and ultimately I wait for that day when my period won’t show up. My life is a never-ending waiting game. I am usually patient, trying to stay focused on the little moments that make up the mosaic of my life, but today I am anxious. I am so anxious.

This morning, Psalm 20 was part of my daily reading routine. I normally hate to take scriptures out of the context in which they were written and randomly apply them to my life, but I couldn’t help but feel like God was speaking to me through Psalm 20 this morning. Last Friday, I told God that I just can’t do this anymore. All of the waiting. Getting my hopes up for nothing. Seeing friends grow their families and not understanding why my body won’t work. Infertility has taken over, and I just want my life back. I’d begun trying to re-plan and re-envision what life could be like, sans children. I started asking myself, “would it really be so bad to never become a mother?” I figured I could make a career change, find new hobbies, keep my gorgeous figure for the rest of my life.

But I never feel right when trying to envision childlessness for myself. Even without the biological ability to have a child, I would certainly adopt. I know that I am meant for motherhood. Everything in my life has pointed toward it, from the different experiences I’ve had, to the things that interest me, to my line of work, right down to my personality. I am meant for motherhood. And I am closer to it than I have ever been.

So, I am anxious. I am aching with anticipation. I am desperate for relief from this particular hell that is infertility. But I will wait. And the first words I will speak to my children – after their births or adoptions or as they come into my home as my foster loves – will be the words I think God wanted me to hear, today.

May the LORD answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you. May He send you help from the sanctuary and grant you support from Zion. May He remember all your sacrifices and accept your burnt offerings. May He give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed. We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will lift up our banners in the name of our God. May the LORD grant all your requests. Now I know that the LORD saves his anointed; He answers him from his holy heaven with the saving power of his right hand. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise and stand firm. Give victory to the king, Oh LORD; answer us when we call.”

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3 thoughts on “Anxiety.”

  1. God is on our side! He is for us! Great scripture.

    Do you mind if I ask you about endometriosis? Our problem is, we don’t know what the issue is. We haven’t found anything wrong. I asked my doc if I could have endometriosis and if we needed to do the laparoscopic procedure just to check for it, and he said no. He said I would be having painful cycles and pain during intercourse. Would you agree with that? How did you know you had it? I just wonder…

    1. Kristi, I hate to say it but your doc is wrong on this one! You can definitely have endometriosis without having any symptoms at all!! You also can have symptoms that are mild or don’t seem to be related, and therefore you wouldn’t bring them up at the doctor. A woman can have severe endo and have no symptoms, or a woman can have mild endo and have the worst symptoms in the world. A laparoscopy is the only way to truly diagnose endometriosis and find out how much it has progressed. Every case is different but my symptoms include – frequent to constant nausea, weakened immune system, moderate to severe cramping after my period, frequent shooting pain in my pelvic and vaginal areas, frequent abdominal pain, and moderate lower back pain. If I am discovered to have endo, then I am sure that it will be what is causing these problems. I have been tested for other possible causes and every doctor has told me that I am perfect healthy. It’s a tough disease to diagnose because it is still not well understood. However there are many cases where a person with mild endo can still get pregnant. So, try some of the other things that you’re trying first and if you still don’t get pregnant, I’d say it’s definitely worth looking into the possibility of a laparoscopy. Endo gets worse with time. You may not have it, but if you do – it’s not something to wait on when trying to get pregnant.

      1. Hey! So sorry…I’m just getting back in to my blog lately. Been crazy busy! I kind of thought what my doc told me was incorrect, just from some research I’ve done. I think right now it’s something we don’t want to rush into just because of the cost. Like you said, I’m going to try these other things first for a few months and see how it goes. Thanks for the input!!

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