I think it was in 2010 when I realized how much I wanted to have kids.
When I was a little girl, I daydreamed about being a mom the way most little girls daydream about their wedding day. I had given no thought to romance, marriage, or my wedding day (until I was in my early twenties!) but as a teenager, much of my thought life was devoted to my child-rearing philosophies, the kinds of clothes and names I want my children to have, the things I wanted to be able to do and explore with my children, how many children I wanted, and even made the decision that I would one day adopt. I was in my late teens when I began watching Discovery Health Channel’s “Birthday Live,” which totally turned me off from wanting to ever get pregnant, and until getting married in 2008 – I didn’t think too much about my desire for children.
My plan had always been to marry at 23 years old (check!) and then have children at around 28. But I work with children for a living, and my biological clock/maternal instinct/desire-for-children-since-I-was-a-child-myself began to kick in when I was 25. It was during the summer of that year that I discovered I was 12 days late for my period! Twelve whole days! This never happens (it’s never happened before, and has never happened since), and I got a little nervous (yet excited) when the possibility of pregnancy flooded my mind. At that time, my husband and I weren’t planning children – nor were either of us ready for a child. So I pretended to be dismayed and scared and unhappy about this pregnancy as I broke the news to my husband that I was twelve days late. He was (genuinely) dismayed and scared and unhappy, too. We bought the pregnancy test – one of those digital ones that either reads “pregnant” or “not pregnant” – and I took it into the bathroom with me, secretly excited in my expectation of seeing the words “pregnant” on the test’s screen.
But that wasn’t the word I saw.
I broke down crying – sobbing! My reaction surprised my husband and myself, since I do not cry often (and he’d thought I’d be happy and relieved to see the “not pregnant” sign). He comforted me for a little bit, but then went to go and watch a sports game while I continued crying my eyes out for another hour or so.
Fast forward three years, and we are officially trying to conceive. We have been trying for three months, and although I have not broken down in these past few months the way I did in 2010, I have to admit that it is a little stressful to feel like you’re always waiting for either good news or bad news. The pressure is multiplied for me, by the fact that I still work with young children and everyone I know seems to be getting pregnant! Frankly, I have wanted a baby for a longer period of time than some of these pregnant women I know have even been married! Still, I am happy for these people as I try to patiently await my turn.
Right now, I am waiting to find out the results of the most recent round of the “baby dance.” I have another few days before I know anything.